


Bless Your Heart

by ladysisyphus



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:27:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladysisyphus/pseuds/ladysisyphus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JULIA: It's just a little-- Oh, shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bless Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from [Shousetsu Bang*Bang special issue 8](http://bb-shousetsu.livejournal.com/84816.html)
> 
> Art by [Emma](http://bedsafely.tumblr.com/)

JULIA: It's just a little-- Oh, shit.

[quick cut]

JULIA: And then you want to-- _Shit_. Balls. Hold on.

[quick cut]

JULIA: But always-- [offscreen crash] Oh, sweet Jesus, fuck me sideways.

[quick cut]

JULIA: Well, either these will be the best petit fours I've ever made, or I'm just going to have to kill everyone in the building to cover the evidence.

[musical cue, title card: "BLESS YOUR HEART"]

 

~*~

|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
NEW VIDEO: "Bless Your Heart episode 39: Place Settings and (Drunk) High Tea" youtube.com/watch?v=IM…  
---|---  
  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
Credit where credit is due: the 'Mini Rum Pecan Tea Cakes' recipe came from <http://bit.ly/XFCR8c>, but half a cup of rum is hardly enough.  
  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
If you're cooking for non-drinkers, substitute molasses thinned with pineapple juice. Then stop inviting non-drinkers to Drunk High Tea.  
  
 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Q &A: Julia Lee on How to Be a Proper Lady and Other Southern Atrocities**

But Lee, 31, has a sense of propriety that might give your grandma the vapors. A native of Nashville, Lee left her Music City home for the shores of Manhattan and has never looked back -- though she does _go_ back to visit once in a while, she insists. _Bless Your Heart_ is a less geographic and more spiritual return to those roots, interpreting the wisdom of several generations of Southern ladies and gentlemen for more modern sensibilities. TIME had me catch up with her to find out what it's like being a mismannered Miss Manners.

  
Julia Lee, creator of the Web series Bless Your Heart

 **How do you feel your show has been influenced by your time in New York?**  
[laughs] I get that question a lot, and it's usually because someone's expecting me to say, well bless my soul, I used to be a prim little thing who keeled over just to hear 'heck' or 'damn', and then I moved to the Big City and learned all of Carlin's words you can't say on television. But the truth of it is, we southerners are just as foul-mouthed and mean as anyone else. We're just a heck of a lot classier about it. If you say "f***" ten times in every sentence, it loses its punch real quick, but if you save it for the right moment and come out with a big ol' "f*** _that_ ," everyone listens.

 **So is that one of the perks of doing a webshow, not having to censor yourself?**  
Oh, you have no idea. Or maybe you do, considering how you're probably going to have to bleep out that last sentence, aren't you?

 **Some of it, yeah.**  
Then, like a proper lady, I'll f***ing apologize.

 

~*~

 

JULIA: And that's why you always check to make sure if there's anything in the oven _before_ you turn it on. So keep that in mind.

[title card: "FOOD FOR THOUGHT"]

JULIA: Since this week's episode was running a little short, I thought I'd respond to a couple of the questions I've gotten on Twitter that are too long to answer properly on Twitter. So here we have it: modern dilemmas, brought to you by my Twitter feed. Dilemma number one: how to respond to a drunk text. First off:

[quick cut]

JULIA: [close to the camera, sleep mask pushed up around her forehead] If it wakes you up in the middle of the night? That's a killing offense, and not a jury in the world would convict you.

[quick cut]

JULIA: But let's say you sleep through it and find it in the morning. Your instinct may be to respond. Don't you dare.

[quick cut]

JULIA: [close to the camera, whispering] _Just let it go._

[quick cut]

JULIA: Someday they will finally fit blood alcohol sensors into our smartphones' touchscreens, and we will all be saved. Until then, best to observe a kind of general amnesty from, say, midnight until dawn. Sound fair, Peas? [camera moves up and down in nodding motion] See, Peas agrees.

[title card with cartoon vegetables and checkmark: "PEAS AGREES"]

JULIA: And yes, drunk texts are honest texts. But any proper lady will tell you, raw honesty is _terrible_ until you've mixed it with a cup of sugar, tossed in a few sticks of butter, and baked it for twenty minutes, then drizzled the end product with a rum glaze. So if the texter brings it up, it's fair game. If not? Fuck it, never happened.

[quick cut]

JULIA: [looking off-camera, sighing] ...Lord, I don't think we're ever going to get that smell out of here.

 

~*~

 

|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
So if tweets are any indication, y'all want a follow-up to Drunk High Tea. Drunk Family Brunch? Drunk Slumber Party? Just plain ol' Drunk?  
  
---|---  
|  **Rebekah R. Yang** @rebekah_yang   
@jenerallyjulia Hey! Love the show! If you're really interested, I could give some suggestions. I'm sort of an amateur cocktail buff.  
  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
D @sweetjaypeas, will you come home and pinch me? Or administer smelling salts? Because I think Rebekah Yang just tweeted at me.  
  
  
 

~*~

 

Rebekah Yang  
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Rebekah Rothstein Yang (/jeɪŋ/, born August 5, 1973) is an American television host, [political commentator](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pundit_\(expert\)), and author. She hosts a nightly television show, _The Rebekah Yang Show_ , on [MSNBC](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MSNBC). Her syndicated talk radio program of the same name aired on [Air America Radio](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_America_Media). Yang was the first [openly gay](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out) [anchor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/News_presenter) of a major prime-time news program in the United States.

 

~*~

 

from: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
to: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
subject: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world....

Hey! So, I'm Rebekah, hi. Sorry about tweeting at you just out of the blue, but I was reading my feed during downtime on the set, and the moment presented itself!

Anyway, I live in SoHo and I've got my own big stock -- especially gin, which is sort of my favorite. I don't know what your feelings are on that, or on moving your show around, or on anything else like that, but hey! The offer stands: if you want to come over and teach this native Californian how to drink like a southern belle, or even just make better use of the wet bar part of my condo than I usually do, you name the time and I'll supply the place.

And even if it doesn't work out, I really do love the show, so you should keep up the good work!

Best,  
RY

Sent from my iPhone.

\--

from: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
to: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
subject: re: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world....

Dear Ms. Yang,

I'm sorry for how rude I must seem, taking so long to respond to all your communications, but you must understand, I have a slight heart attack every time I see a communication from you, and then I've got to recover and reconnoiter before I can possibly respond. You have my sincere apologies.

Thank you so much for your ever-so-generous offer. I wouldn't want to be an imposition on your time, as you're surely a busy woman, but if truly it wouldn't be a bother, it'd be heavenly to come see your place. I confess, one of the things that's kept me from doing a real, honest-to-goodness cocktails episode before this has been a lack of knowledge -- I don't know what I'd buy, and with my luck, I'd come home with a thousand dollars' worth of rotgut. I promise to reimburse you for whatever gets used during filming.

I'd have one condition, though: I'd insist you at least consider appearing with me during the episode as my guest co-host. From a strictly professional standpoint, I wouldn't want to present the information you'd given me as though it had sprung from my own expertise. In a more personal sense, I assure you, you cannot be as big a fan of mine as I am of yours, and I'd consider it an incredible honor to share a tiny YouTube screen with you.

Cordially,  
Julia

\--

from: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
to: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
subject: re: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world....

Please, 'Rebekah'; 'Ms. Yang' still makes me think one of my professors has just called on me.

I'll consider the booze fair payment if you'll share your grandmother's gravy secret. And I'd love to be on the show! Absolutely! Come over beforehand and I'll let you choose my tie. Saturday work for you?

RY

Sent from my iPhone.

\--

from: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
to: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
cc: Jay Burrow <sweetjaypeas@gmail.com>  
subject: re: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world....

Dear Rebekah,

Nana Jones would be beyond thrilled to know that her close-guarded gravy knowledge had been shared in the interests of acquiring gin and knowledge about gin.

Saturday will be wonderful. I've copied my husband on this email chain (so Peas, if you had plans I didn't know about this Saturday, well, you don't anymore), and he'll be coming along with me, if you don't mind. What time should we plan on arriving?

Cordially,  
Julia

\--

from: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
to: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
cc: Jay Burrow <sweetjaypeas@gmail.com>  
subject: re: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world....

5?

Sent from my iPhone.

 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Q &A: Julia Lee on How to Be a Proper Lady and Other Southern Atrocities**

 **How did you rope your husband into being your camera operator?**  
I asked ever-so-nicely. He actually had more experience than I did when we started -- he'd made some short films, just for fun, when he was in high school, while I was lucky if I wound up on the right side of the camera more often than not. But together we learned by doing, which is always more fun when you like what you're doing. And he has a good time! His other official job is eating my mistakes.

 **And you do the editing yourself?**  
I do, which is why there were whole months between the first few episodes while I was trying to get my feet under me. But I'm better now! Well, maybe not better -- faster, though, definitely. I try to keep to one every other week, though of course, that's more of a guideline than a set schedule. Like when I'm getting ready to go out but I'm running a little behind getting all dolled up, I try to make it worth the wait.

 

~*~

 

JULIA: [inaudible]

REBEKAH: Oh, yeah, the bottle's the best part.

JULIA: [inaudible]

REBEKAH: [shakes her head] If I needed to strip some paint, maybe....

JULIA: [turns toward the camera, then quickly rearranges neckerchief to reveal wireless mic clipped to her collar] Oops! That better? Testing, testing, one, two, et cetera? Getting us both now, Peas?

REBEKAH: Awesome. He's nicer than my sound guys. They just yell at me if something's not working right.

JULIA: He's the best help a marriage license can buy.

REBEKAH: Oh, _that's_ my problem? If I'd known, I would've gotten hitched my whole tech team years ago. And then Jim McGloin could do a special report on his show about how it's the sign of the end times, when New York State lets a gay woman plural-marry a bunch of Teamsters.

JULIA: I can just hear my Republican sister-in-law clutching her pearls all the way in Memphis.

REBEKAH: And she didn't even need a mic. Well, come on, let me show you my tie collection and you can dress me...

 

~*~

 

|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
It sounds too good to be true, but it's a fact: we'll be filming the next Bless Your Heart at @rebekah_yang's house!  
  
---|---  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
So after this Saturday, I'll be able to answer all your burning questions about her and her apartment!  
  
|  **Rebekah R. Yang** @rebekah_yang   
@jenerallyjulia Like are there socks all over her closet floor because she sometimes misses when she aims for her laundry hamper? (A: yes.)  
  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
@rebekah_yang Southern Lady Protip: make sure the closet has a door you can close when company comes calling. Problem solved.  
  
|  **Rebekah R. Yang** @rebekah_yang   
@jenerallyjulia My god, you're a genius.  
  
  
 

~*~

 

REBEKAH: Okay, so we're going to start with -- here, hold this -- start with my personal favorite, the Old Fashioned.

JULIA: The old-fashioned what?

REBEKAH: Just Old Fashioned. Little bit of history here: the whole concept of alcoholic cocktails is only just a little over two hundred years old, and this is one of the first ones to gain real popularity. Most people nowadays make it with whiskey, but gin, rum, and brandy are considered acceptable variants.

JULIA: And today we are women of gin!

REBEKAH: That we are! Okay, you know what this is called?

JULIA: The glass? Is it a lowball glass?

REBEKAH: Close, but not quite. You can see here that the brim is flared so it's a little wider than the bottom, because this is, in fact, an Old Fashioned glass. And we are going to make our Old Fashioneds in Old Fashioned glasses.

JULIA: Look at me, the coordination is already making me swoon. What's the first step?

REBEKAH: Start with a sugar cube and just toss a dash or two of bitters on the top -- Angostura's my favorite, but you can branch out if you like. Next, a teaspoon or so of water -- more if you're a lightweight -- and use the spoon to muddle the sugar until it's gone.

JULIA: I like this part. Very musical.

REBEKAH: Two ounces gin next, and here again, use what you want, but Bols Genever is what we've got here today, nothing too fancy. Couple of ice cubes, and there we go! You can drink it right away, but I find it's best to let it sit for a moment and think about what it's done. Or what it's going to do.

JULIA: My word, you're pretty good at this whole hosting thing. Anyone ever tell you you should have your own show?

REBEKAH: Couple people here and there, yeah.

 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Bottoms Up: Rebekah Yang On Cocktails**

It's not exactly a secret, open or otherwise, but when you're as accomplished as Rebekah Yang -- network news host, queer icon, bestselling author -- some of your talents just don't get as much airplay. For Yang, one of those oft-ignored areas includes her mixology skills. "I actually come from a family of non-drinkers," she says as we both sit at her eponymous news show's signature desk, catching a few moments between takes, "and I lived for a while with a recovering alcoholic, so I don't want to sound like the great booze evangelist or anything, trying to get America wasted. To hear some people tell it, I'm contributing to its downfall in many, many other ways. But I do like cocktails, and the talent needed to make them both look and taste good. It's an art, like anything else."

Yang doesn't consider herself an innovator, though. "I'm not a purist, but I _am_ a fan of the classics." Her main advice to aspiring bartenders? Start with the basics, and don't stop until you've got them down cold. "Like it is with all art, the first thing you have to do is get it right. You have to learn the rules, or what's the fun in breaking them?"

Even so, she does get creative from time to time. She's agreed to share with us a few of her more offbeat concoctions:

 

 ** _The Avada Colada_**  
Rebekah says this was inspired by the great emotions she felt reading the last Harry Potter book (though she's quick to point out that the third is her favorite).

 **Ingredients:**  
3/4 oz gin  
3/4 oz green chartreuse  
3/4 oz elderflower liqueur  
1/2 oz pineapple juice

 **Directions:**  
Combine all ingredients in a shaker, add ice, and strain into a cocktail glass. Then insert a little paper umbrella, light it on fire, and blow it out.

 

~*~

 

JULIA: I think my glass has a problem.

REBEKAH: In that it's empty?

JULIA: Seems to be.

REBEKAH: Mine too.

JULIA: We should do something about that.

REBEKAH: Well, I think those glasses are done for, but I have _these_ cocktail glasses, and we can use them as a basis for the Aviation. This one's sweet too, but it comes from maraschino liqueur, half an ounce, and a quarter of an ounce of creme de violette -- which is, in fact, made from violets.

JULIA: I could just wedge that whole bottle down the front of my dress and smell it all day long.

REBEKAH: _I_ couldn't, it'd just slip right out the bottom, but you've got something to hold it in place.

JULIA: Ah, yes, the girls help out where they can.

REBEKAH: [laughs] Here, slice up these lemons. Little more history: there used to be a hotel in Times Square called Hotel Wallick, and its head bartender was a guy named Hugo Ensslin. In 1916, Hugo published _Recipes for Mixed Drinks_ , which was where the Aviation made its debut. All right, if you would, squeeze out three-quarters of an ounce of juice. Now, if we wanted to make a _real_ Aviation, we'd need El-Bart Gin, but since it probably hasn't been made since ol' Hugo was around, any dry gin will do. This tall green bottle here has Tanqueray No. 10, and that's what we'll use.

JULIA: Your lemon juice, madam.

REBEKAH: Why, thank you.

JULIA: So, while you're shaking, I'll ask: how long have you been a gin whisperer?

REBEKAH: Since younger than I'd admit on camera, probably. [laughs] I guess you can trace it back to when I got my first -- non-alcoholic, I promise -- chemistry set as a kid. There's just something fun about mixing all these things together and making something new. And it's better than baking, at least for me, because I'm not going to burn myself _or_ a martini. And speaking of...

JULIA: What a beautiful blue. Cheers!

 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Q &A: Julia Lee on How to Be a Proper Lady and Other Southern Atrocities**

 **Where does most of your advice come from?**  
A _lot_ of mistakes. Not always my own -- I paid attention when I was a kid to what my mom and aunts and grandmas said about themselves and other people. And I try to make it reasonable. My point isn't that you're going to give the old ladies at the table a heart attack if you use the wrong fork, but that if you use your dinner fork for your salad, it'll make both your salad and your upcoming entree harder to eat. And you can wear whatever shoes you want before and after Memorial Day, but I find there's just something magical about having that pair of shoes that just has to wait until it's time, and then you finally get to put them on and the whole world feels sunnier.

 **But there's a lot in your show about other people, isn't there?**  
Of course, but it's a lot more common-sense than most people give it credit for being. Think about what you'd like, and then do it for someone else. And if you know you can't show proper gratitude, don't go there in the first place. You know why southern girls don't have orgies, right?

 **Why?**  
Too many thank-you notes.

 

~*~

 

REBEKAH: And if you leave out the bitters, it's just a gin sour, but two dashes of Angostura makes it ... a Fitzgerald!

JULIA: You gin angel, you.

REBEKAH: Hey, not many times in my life I've gotten permission to ply a beautiful lady with alcohol while her husband watches.

JULIA: Oh, I think he's enjoying the view. And so am I. ...And woo, I think I'm drunk enough now to own up to how you're on my List, so it's not like he didn't see this coming.

REBEKAH: Which one?

JULIA: The Freebies List. Pre-arranged set, where it's not cheating if it's with somebody on the List.

REBEKAH: And you put _me_ on there?

JULIA: Oh, yeah. Pretty near the top.

REBEKAH: Then I feel better about how I've basically been staring at your tits for the last half hour.

JULIA: Oh, please do. I am of the opinion that God did not give me these to hide them under a bushel.

REBEKAH: You are indeed possessed of a magnificent rack, and I'm very flattered that I have been pre-approved to appreciate them.

JULIA: But if I looked like you, I'd absolutely dress like you. That natty butch look makes this Tennessee belle need to get out her fan, if you know what I mean.

REBEKAH: I was just thinking about how cute it is that your accent gets stronger the drunker you get.

JULIA: _I_ don't have an accent. All _y'all_ have accents up here.

REBEKAH: Oh, please keep getting indignant, it makes your boobs bounce.

JULIA: You! [light backhand swat] Are a dirty girl! No wonder I had the good sense to put you on my List. At number two, even.

REBEKAH: Okay, I'll bite: who's number one?

JULIA: Thom Markinswell, with or without the rest of cast of the _Vengeancers_.

REBEKAH: I will freely admit, I may be one hot dyke, but even I can't compete with spandex-clad superhero and supervillain butts.

JULIA: But a very close second!

 

~*~

 

|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
I am officially in love with @rebekah_yang's wet bar. pic.twitter.com/Th7x...  
  
---|---  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
Here's a view from the other side, because I actually couldn't get the whole thing in one shot. pic.twitter.com/Wgj8...  
  
|  **Julia Lee** @jenerallyjulia  
Here's the thank-you pie I brought. Glad I did that instead of a bottle of wine - like bringing sand to the beach. pic.twitter.com/K3hP...  
  
  
 

~*~

 

REBEKAH: Got a joke for you.

JULIA: Mm?

REBEKAH: Not you, your camerahusband.

JULIA: Mm.

REBEKAH: How do you tell if a woman is a lesbian? [camera shifts slightly] You ask her to make a fist.

JULIA: [giggles] It looks like a shadow puppet duck-- _Ohhhhh_.

 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Bottoms Up: Rebekah Yang On Cocktails**

 ** _Piz Bernina_**  
The tallest mountain of the Eastern Alps, Piz Bernina is as cold and dry as its alcoholic namesake.

 **Ingredients:**  
1.5 oz gin  
1/2 oz stone pine liqueur  
1/2 oz walnut liqueur

 **Directions:**  
Combine in a collins glass over ice and top with seltzer. Listen for the yodeling.

 

 ** _Archai_**  
A mix of apple brandy, triple sec, gin, and bitter Italian vermouth, this cocktail gets its moniker from the Aristotelian concept of primal elements. Fortunately, it lives up to its name.

 **Ingredients:**  
1.5 oz calvados  
1 oz gin  
1/2 oz cointreau  
1/2 oz punt e mes

 **Directions:**  
Combine all ingredients in a shaker, add ice, and strain, then drink while reading Plato for maximum smartness.

 

~*~

 

JULIA: Oh! _Oh!_ Oh, sweet Jesus.

REBEKAH: Want me to stop?

JULIA: Don't you fucking dare.

REBEKAH: Yes, ma'am. ...I _also_ won't own up on camera to how old I wasn't when I figured out what an unexpected blessing tiny hands are. Not so much when I was taking piano lessons, maybe, but in the practice rooms afterward, definitely. I've never been big on penetration myself, but-- Still good there, honey?

JULIA: Mm- _hmm_.

REBEKAH: Good. Well, as I was saying, I don't begrudge ladies who like it, and I figure there are worse things than coming well-equipped to satisfy those who like it. Case in point. [glances toward camera] He ever do this for you?

JULIA: No, this -- oh, Jesus -- this isn't something we've tried.

REBEKAH: [to camera] Well, get over here. Take notes. She's going to want to see this later.

[camera approaches some, but still maintains its distance]

JULIA: Not entirely likely.

REBEKAH: Well, you _should_ want to. Because you look gorgeous. [to camera] No, _closer_. She doesn't have her microphone on anymore; you've got to get up close.

[camera approaches a little more]

REBEKAH: This is worth hearing.

JULIA: Oh, _fuck_. Fuck, faster. Faster.

REBEKAH: Yes, _ma'am_. ...You know, it's a shame this won't end up in the final episode. You're beautiful like this. And you've got _amazing_ tits. Doesn't she? [camera nods]

JULIA: Y'all are sweet.

REBEKAH: [to camera] Well! Thank you for joining us here tonight on a _very_ special episode of _Bless Your Heart_. Tonight, we're going to learn how to stone butch a southern girl on an antique mahogany bar.

JULIA: [laughs, then squeaks] Oh!

REBEKAH: Step one: short fingernails. If you try to do this with long fingernails, you will not be invited back to this lady's garden party. Step two: tiny hands. If you do not have tiny hands, borrow someone else's.

JULIA: But be sure to wash them before you give them back.

REBEKAH: It's only polite. Step three: make a fist like a lesbian. Since my hand is occupied at the moment, my co-host will now demonstrate.

JULIA: [does so, giggling] Think 'shadow puppet duck'.

REBEKAH: Step four: demonstrate the proper making of gin cocktails to her until she is naked. Or mostly naked.

JULIA: Stockings and garters -- oh, right there, _yes_ \-- they don't count as clothes.

REBEKAH: Since I'm not wearing either, I tend to agree with you.

JULIA: Functionally naked.

REBEKAH: Step five: Catch it all on film. Alternate step five: get camerahusband to catch it all on film. Hey, co-host?

JULIA: Mm?

REBEKAH: My mouth's going to be a little occupied here for a bit, so I'll turn the camera over to you.

JULIA: Oh! Oh, I ... uh ... well, in situations like this, I-- Oh! Well, all right, we can start with how you should always, _always_ wear nice underthings, because you never know who's -- oh! -- going to see them. Or how up close and personal they're going to see them. And you should -- should -- should _always_ communicate with your partner. About relationships. And sex. Because -- oh, God, you're _so_ good at that -- because you never know when Rebekah Yang is going to-- [laughs, breathes heavily] Fuck a _dog_ , I can't concentrate....

REBEKAH: [muffled] You're doing fine.

JULIA: And when a lady's -- when a lady's giving you head, no matter _what_ kind of genitals you have, it's-- [squeaks] It's always polite to ask for things. For instance, before you grab her hair. Or ... or come in her mouth, yes, right there, _there_ , please, please, yes, _yes_ \--

[pause, sounds of heavy breathing]

JULIA: I ... I think I lady-jizzed on your tie.

REBEKAH: Worth it.

 

~*~

 

from: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
to: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
subject: Nana Jones' Secret

Bacon.

\--

from: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
to: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
subject: re: Nana Jones' Secret

Bacon?

Sent from my iPhone.

\--

from: Julia Lee Jones <jenerallyjulia@gmail.com>  
to: Rebekah Yang <rebekah.yang@msnbc.com>  
subject: re: Nana Jones' Secret

 _All_ of the bacon.

 

 

~*~

 

 

JULIA: So that's been our ninety-percent-unairable show this week, and I-- [listens, then adjusts her neckline] Oops!

REBEKAH: Cut! Take two!

JULIA: So that's been our show this week! We have learned about gin, and I think we've grown as people, too.

REBEKAH: We've changed our clothes...

JULIA: We've _definitely_ had to change some clothes.

REBEKAH: And all I can say to you right now is: I'm sorry for what a pain in the ass this is going to be to edit.

JULIA: No more so than usual. And _definitely_ more fun filming than usual.

REBEKAH: I'll take that as a compliment.

JULIA: As well you should.

REBEKAH: So remember: stay in school, kids!

JULIA: Don't do drugs!

REBEKAH: Or talk to strangers.

JULIA: Or drink gin, unless you're of legal drinking age and in the home of a beautiful and sexy television personality.

REBEKAH: Then you drink _all_ the gin.

JULIA: And now they know how.

REBEKAH: I've done my good deed for the week.

JULIA: So I think that's pretty much a wrap.

REBEKAH: You brought a pie?

JULIA: Right over there.

REBEKAH: I think we've earned pie.

JULIA: I think we've _more_ than earned pie.

REBEKAH: Well, more pie than I've had already, anyway.

JULIA: [laughs, falls over]

 

~*~

 

  
 **Bless Your Heart episode 40: Gin and News**  
 **JenerallyJulia** · 53 videos

 **Published on March 25, 2013**  
Detailed instructions on how to get shitfaced on gin like a proper southern lady. Featuring the home, booze, and knowledge of MSNBC commentator and Honorary Southern Lady Rebekah Yang (is the episode title funny now?).

Subscribe for new content every other week (give or take)!

 

~*~

 

 _excerpted from_ **Q &A: Julia Lee on How to Be a Proper Lady and Other Southern Atrocities**

 **You've got hundreds of thousands of fans now. When you started, did you have any idea it'd get this popular?**  
Gracious, no. It was never a joke, but it was never that serious, either. I thought we'd put it together for ourselves, and maybe later it'd get seen by our close friends, some family members, and a random stranger or two. There's still a part of it that's not quite real, and then I get stopped on the street by someone who recognizes me and I remember, oh, right, I do this now. This is part of what it is to be me. ...And _then_ I knock over a glass of wine or break the heel off a pair of shoes, and everything's back to normal.

 **I should confess, I'm a regular viewer myself. I tried to make a pecan pie for the first time after seeing how you did it.**  
And how'd that turn out?

 **Not so good.**  
Well, bless your heart.

 

_Lee's episodes can be found on YouTube and her website, Bless Your Heart, Inc. And yes, the day after the interview, I received a handwritten thank-you note._

**Author's Note:**

> [author's notes ](http://ladysisyphus.livejournal.com/837693.html)


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